Love is pure

Something that has always fascinated me in this world is the feeling of "love".  I don't honestly think I have experienced this easily in my lifetime.  When you grow up abused, you develop walls and armor that protect you from pain.  It's simply a survival mechanism that God implants in you.  It just happens.  To truly love means that you risk devastation....you risk a broken heart.  You open yourself up to a vulnerability that is similar to nothing else.   Who in the hell in their right might would go there?????

Me.  

I have come to realize that it is quite possibly the truth that we are wired to love.  The bible is clear about this 

In 1 John 4:8 it says "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."  This does not speak well for those of us who are closed off to love.  TRUE love, PURE love.   The Bible helps us to know what " love" should look like too.  In 1 Corinthians it tells us that "Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 

I came to understand this first with my children.  I had cried over men before I had children but I would not call whatever I felt for them "love".  When I read Corinthians, my first thought is how I feel about Jake, Charlie and Rachel.  They taught me that this can exist.  That this feeling of "love" that is wonderfully protective and kind and giving.  

As I've gotten older, I've gotten better at "love".  I have gotten better at that unselfish kind of love that is giving and so very nurturing to someone else.  I enjoy opening my heart to someone else.  Its almost as if I can't NOT do it.  If I am to be with God, I am to be with Love and if I am to be with Love, my cup runneth over and I share it with others.  This was God's intention.  This was God's plan.  

And I am blessed.

SIGH

It is done. 

Every 5 years, the Department of Education puts together a team and comes to your district for 2-3 days.  They come to do interviews and look at thousands of pages of documentation.  A district my size should take 3 days.  Because of cuts at the state level, and fewer workers doing more site visits, things are getting leaner but it is still one of the most grueling few days to go through if you are in a position like mine.  Teachers, students and (in my district the principals) don't really experience much disruption.  However, for School Improvement Directors, Superintendents (most of the time) and sometimes principals (not mine)...its grueling.

This was MY show.  I took it on 6 months ago and started preparing.  My superintendent is worthless and I wanted to give my principals a gift and leave them out of this.  I handled everything from writing documents to reviewing documents to doing everyone's job in the process down to baking for the team so they felt welcome.  THIS WAS MY PARTY. 

When I came to the district a year ago, I started to dismantle a system that defines them.  I started to tear apart some things that are broken and need to be torn apart.  Its what I do.  I come into places that aren't working and I do the hard things that need to be done.  I have the hard conversations.   In this district, I have been yelled at and screamed at as though they teach you such behavior in teacher training.  It's been surreal but I'm tough and I've stayed the course.  As a matter of fact, my plan all along was to get them to scream and cry and feel completely hopeless.  That's how tied to the system they were.  They needed to be debriefed and broken much like gangsters in the military or children rescued from a cult.  That may sound harsh, but its been true.  They needed to believe they had been abandoned and the only person or persons that would save them were themselves.  Because I need this staff to start THINKING again. 

I knew I was making progress when several teachers told me that they knew things were not working.  I knew I made progress that even though most teachers in the elementary spent one entire day crying because I was "making" them assess their students reading levels.  I knew I was making progress when teachers stopped making excused and owned the fact that over 50% of their students were not reading at grade level.  I knew I was making progress when they did what I wanted them to do through the tears and anger. 

But today, during the exit interviewof the site visit....I knew I had made progress when the team said "in our teacher interviews and our parent interviews, it was clear that they believe that their school improvement director is very knowledgeable and taking this district in the direction it needs to go.   If they believe in me......I can impact the kids.  If they believe in me, I can make a difference in their abilities to do their jobs.  They don't have to like me....they don't have to think I'm funny....they don't have to be my friend.......but they have to believe in me.  I know what I'm doing.  I know how to fix what is broken. 

And for the first time in a year and a half.....I think we might be turning the corner.....

The Competition of Love

In Romans 12:10:  "Love one another with mutual affection, outdo one another in showing honor."


I live in a world of competition.  I am the mother of athletes and honor roll students.  I live in a world of high stakes test scores and how they determine important things that impact kids.  Let's face it, whatever your story, we all live in a world of competition.  What I love about this verse is that it takes that competitive spirit and it gives it a twist.  Imagine if we lived in a world where our "gaming" had to do with trying to outdo each other by showing honor or love?


I love that song by The Chiffons "My Boyfriends Back".  When I would hear it as a young girl, it always spoke to that "girly" part of me deep down that wanted a boyfriend who would protect me.  The lyrics are:  "My boyfriends back and you're gonna get in trouble".  YEA BABY!  Look out.


My boyfriend is back.  I was in a 10 month relationship that ended in August that was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life.  Jeff is 12 years younger than I am....incredibly attractive.  He is filled with fun and makes me laugh until I can't breathe anymore.  We ended our relationship because Jeff needs to spend some time on his own, settle into his own house (living on his own for the first time--his divorce is fresher than mine), he wants to work a lot right now in his life and I want to make sure that my mothering is my number one priority.  It was getting difficult for us to make time for each other and at this place in our lives, we felt we needed to put that priority into something else.  It wasn't that we stopped loving each other.  We simply are not talking about forever at this point.  In relationships, you tend to either move forward or cease.  We ceased in August.


I cried and I readjusted to being alone again.  I cried....But I'm in a different place now.  I'm in a place where I enjoy that my heart is full for him.  I love this man.  I love this man. I like who I am filled with love for this man.  He wraps his arms around me and I fit just under his huge biceps as they wrap around my shoulders.  I feel safe with him.  I feel protected.  I don't have a history of feeling that.  My father died when I was 17 and my ex-husband was a weak man emotionally and spiritually.  Jeff is a strong man...physically strong, but a very soft heart.  I feel safe.


With the break that we had, we will not return to the place we were before.  We are trying a new place.  We are moving to a place of love but accepting that we have other priorities and so that may mean we see each other on a weekend and sometimes not for two weeks (you should see my basketball schedule for 2 high schoolers of different sexes).  FOUR TEAM (JV, JV and V V).  But its okay.  


Our plan is to outdo each other in loving the other with our current set of circumstances and let the future take care of itself....


Part of my transition into being an independent woman in her 50's is that I'm not sure anymore that I want another marriage.  I want love but not so sure about marriage.  My brother's godmother whom I love is about 82 and Mike died when she was in her 40's.  She has a boyfriend whom she loves but they never married.  She said to me "I thought I would marry but I've decided that I'm meant to be the matriarch of this clan".  She has grown children, grown grandchildren and almost grown GREAT grandchildren...she has buried 2 of her 4 children.  


I will always be a mother first.  My kids will always be my number one focus.  I could make their father, my husband, my priority because we were their parents and were that family unit.  But I will never have another man take his place at my side as a priority over my children.  


I am meant to be the matriarch of this clan..............

Contentment

Ecclesiastes 3:12-13 I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to make good for as long as they live; also that everyone should eat, drink and take pleasure in all his toil--this is God's gift to man.

I'm in that place....that place in between questions, in between confusion ....I'm in that place in between healing from the past and fretting about the future....I'm in that place.  I'm in that place where I believe that all is okay.  I can't say that I'm HAPPY but I'm content.   I'm content in this place.

I believe this place is a place that God created for me.  I don't know how I get here and I never know how long it will last.  But I'm here now.  The stars have aligned and I have this place of rest.....this time of contentment. 

In this place I feel no judgment about myself.  I don't feel like I need to change or be different.  I have a sense of acceptance of myself...a sense that I'm here for a reason and that I'm unique.  This place happens when I'm somewhere between overwhelmed and tired and completely rested.  Either of those extremes takes me out of this place.  It is in the middle that I feel most real.  A bit too tired to care about petty things and petty problems but not so tired that I feel lost.

I am powerful in this place.  I am most real in this place.  I know who I am and I know what my gifts are.  It is as close to self-love as I ever experience.  It's calm.  I enjoy this place...but I don't control this place or my ability to get here.  I just don't.  It is a gift from God and I smile when I'm here. 

Someday maybe I'll truly realize that God always wants me to be in this place and that I leave it by choice.  I leave it much in the same way we hand things over to God and take them back.  Someday maybe I'll realize that opening the door to leave is within my power and a function of my choice and I will refuse to leave it because God is so present to me here.

For now........I just know that I'm here.....in this place.

New Adventures of Old Christine

I think I've got a little Christine in me.  I feel a little out of place around married women who seem to have the entire package.....good kids, money, husbands...choice..  The other day, I was chatting with one of the popular duos at conferences.  Our kids all run in the same grades (3 juniors and 2 freshman).  Blonde mom #1 has a junior daughter who is quiet and not quite as skilled in the classroom as her older brother was but overall a great girl and decent grades but she also thinks her mom is a dolt.  Blonde mom #2 has a really smart junior son who has made some stupid decisions with regard to theft and plagiarism and sort of becomes whoever he hangs out with and her freshman daughter is a bit sassy to her.  These women are smart, beautiful, married and have more money than god.  One teaches 2nd grade and one doesn't work.  Nice lives if you can get them.

Anyway, as we were standing around talking about our kids and their teachers.  One of them turned to me and said "oh yeah, your kids are PERFECT....you just wait....one of them is going to do something terrible and you are going to lose your mind".  .................................................Seriously?...........I just stood there for a moment because I wasn't sure what I wanted to start with in my reply.........................Seriously?.................let me see................Are you really hoping and wishing that one of my kids screws up?  Are you really secretly hoping that I have to deal with a call from Scheels telling me that my son has just tried to steal a pair of tennis shoes that I could easily afford to buy ten times over?????????????????  Is that what you want?

Ironically, I didn't yell.  I didn't scream.  I simply said in my softest voice.  My kids and I have already been through hell and back and came out the other side landing on our feet.  We are stronger because of it and we are more protective of each other because of it.  My kids don't talk back to me or sass me because there has been enough disrespect in our family and pain caused because of it that it isn't necessary.  My kids don't do stupid things because they know what it feels like to be let down by someone you love and they don't ever want to bring that pain onto themselves, each other or me.  In short....my kids don't have the luxury to act like idiots because their safe world that allows them to do that, was pulled out from under them.  Bottom line....keep your petty jealousies about my "great kids" to yourself and go home and thank God that your family is intact and your kids feel safe enough to act out.

I walked away...............................

I'll be sitting alone at the National Honor Society Induction on the 16th....neither of their Juniors made it ;)

You "complete" me

Okay, one of the worst lines in any Hollywood movie.  Complete?  Seriously??  Like I am not a whole person without you?  Really?  Then how did I ever survive.....?

Let me start this post on the right note........I complete me.  Read it again........ Ain't no body or no thing ever finished what God started.  Jenny McCarthy (dumb blond chick who used to date Jim Carrey) wrote a book that I find hysterical and in it she talks about not waiting for the love of her life but BEING the love of her life.  What she is referring to is that SHE is the love of her life.  I figure I might as well jump on that bandwagon because I have a sneaky suspicion that I may have to be my own LOVE OF MY LIFE for the rest of it.

It isn't that I don't attract men. God only knows why but I tend to have a fair amount of men circling in and out of my life at any time.  My best friend Di (who is a gorgeous blond) will always say to me "I never worry about you finding a man Robin, you ALWAYS have men around you".  It's true.  The problem is they aren't necessarily there for me as much I think God pulls them in for me to do something for them in their lives.  I have come to accept my role in life.  God has always brought men into my life for a season and then I turn them loose into the wild much better men.  I'm not bragging, it's TRUE.  I used to threaten to get a T-shirt for each of them that says "You can thank Robin" to give to the NEXT woman in their lives. I have skills. Hell, some of you might be married to my students for all I know.  As I've gotten older, I've started to branch out into other generations.

When I was in college, my best friend and I were walking home from a bar and she started to cry.  This is one of the most beautiful women I have ever known and she said to me "Robin you are so lucky".  I responded,  "why yes Della, I think that every young woman who goes through high school and college overweight is incredibly lucky" (and then I threw her off the bridge--no, not really)....she went on to explain to me that I had the wonderful experience of knowing that men "liked" me, that they wanted to "be with me", "hang out and talk", they thought I was "funny".  True.  Then she went on to tell me something that would change how I looked at "pretty girls" from that day forward.  She told me that she had never experienced that before.  That she knows that men talk to her because they want to sleep with her.  They don't want to talk to her, they don't want to know her and more importantly, they don't even care if they like her.  It broke my heart.

I believe that we as women are wired to desire being cherished by the men in our lives.  I really do.  I think that is what I teach the men who pass through my life.  I give them a place where they feel safe enough to learn something new and that is the lesson I teach them.  Sometimes it takes a short time, sometimes awhile and apparently for my ex, it took 20 years for him to learn what he needed from me to go on and be a better man for someone else.

No one "completes" me.......but I'm curious if God made someone strong enough to cherish me and teach me something new.?

WOW...GOD IS GOOD

I attended my first "online worship experience" and I LOVED IT!!!  I feel more plugged into God than I have in a long, long time.  The message was spot on for me as it had to do with "DON'T GET OUT OF THE BOAT".  The pastor talked about the "meantime" in our lives.  He talked about that space of time that occurs in between no longer being where we were or who we were and not yet at the place we were meant to move to.  The "meantime" in life.  We are not a world of "meantimes".  We are a world of outcomes.  We watch the highlight reel and not the training protocol.  The message was "stay in the boat"  "stay in church"  "stay in the word" until you get there.  


I loved this experience for a couple of reasons....I am now a 21st century learner.  Not all of you are and so you have to bare with me.  I'm 50 but in so many ways I'm a product of my children and the day.  I go to school now in this type of setting.  We sign in, have the professor on our computer walking around a classroom with regular students and lecturing or asking questions.  If I want to answer, I raise my hand online by my name and I press a button and I talk.  Everyone sees and hears me but I'm in Cedar Falls and not on campus.  One of the facets that I love about this is we all "chat" during the lecture.  We just type away our thoughts and our agreements or post further questions.  Sometimes we just joke with each other on chat.  The reality is, it keeps us engaged while we are listening.  It isn't distracting for us.   The same was true for this church experience.  I could chat on the side about comments that kept me engaged.  Make connections with what the Pastor was saying and what I was feeling.  It was fabulous.


I am also a product of the 21st century in that I need ENERGY.  I need a true evangelical preacher to get my attention.  I'm really too old to say that but I've been blessed with some experiences that have developed that in me.  I need a preacher who has passion....I need a preacher who has biblical knowledge and I need a preacher who uses humor.  Today I heard a 31 year old pastor from Seattle who was preaching in this online venue and all I can say is I'm uplifted, I'm committed to staying in the boat, I prayed in a way I haven't for a long time and I wasn't distracted.  


I think that a combination of experiences may be what I look into for my spiritual needs.  I really need to belong to a church but I doubt I do that in CF because I honestly don't think I'll stay here after Rachel graduates.  But I do think that a combination of "in house" church attendance and online messages throughout the week may feed my soul that is so hungry for purpose and wisdom and faith.  The great thing about online church is you can go to it whenever you want......its like 90 times a week and there are real people there each time.  You can also watch more than one time which is a great way to get a "free refill".  


I'm jazzed right now which completely reinforces that I NEED GOD and CHURCH in my life to be fed spiritually.  My Daily Bread for my spirit has to include church.  I just don't define it the way I used to.  I just don't "settle" for the local church on the corner and feel like there is nothing I can do about it.  I am a 21st century learner and baby, the walls have come down and the pews taken out.  The "church" is everywhere and we can sign in!!!!!!!!


Have a great day!

Prayer

Let's start with a little honesty.....it's 10:52 a.m. on Saturday and I just got up about 30 minutes ago.  I'm not talking about being awake and lounging in bed...I'm talking about JUST w o k e  UP.  Yes, that was what my week was like.  In my defense, Rachel was asleep too.  I'm pathetic, I'm using my 15 year old daughter's habits to justify my own.  I use Rachel because she is a morning person and her idea of sleeping in is 8:00 a.m.  To sum up....we are tired women.


I'm exhausted because of the stress of life.  I had a week where I was in meetings or work sessions all week with heated discussion and lots of people.  I had a very stressful district volleyball game where my Panthers tried their best to let the other team win but luckily the other team wasn't ready to accept the gift and the Panthers will move into another round of district play.  One of my dearest friends had a baby boy that took all day to accomplish  (not all stressors are bad news).  I fed my body trash all week which stresses out my organs and my brain and causes me such physical and emotional pain.  But the one thing I want to talk about is the call I received from Jake Friday morning.


Jake was at the Michigan game and got a migraine and so he threw up before he got on the bus and then slept the whole way home.  He got an e-mail yesterday calling him into the Dean of Students to answer a complaint that he was intoxicated and passed out.  Really?  This young man who has never had a drink in his life?  Really?  This young man who spends his time at church or in the library (not that Christians aren't terrible drunks mind you).  Really?  I'm not sure what the process is because it makes no sense to me.  Confront him on the bus for crying out loud.  See that you cannot smell alcohol....see that the guy he's been with all day isn't drunk or smells like liquor.  Get it done then.  What do you do now?  He isn't worried because as he says "I have truth on my side".  Of course his mother who is older and WAY more cynical immediately begins thinking about all the men who are incarcerated and innocent.  Yea, TRUTH is all you need buddy.


The last thing he said to me was "Mom, I'll put on a tie, pray before I go in that God give me the words to show them who I am and it will be fine".  I'm thinking.....oh baby boy, we need a better plan than that!!!  I'm thinking medical records to prove the migraines, signed affidavits from really important people who know him that would speak to his character....I'm going BIG TIME here.  


When I sit and think about it.......prayer is really all you need.  If we sit with God, he will direct us to what we need to do, he will supply us with the words, the answers, the light....he will provide.  


James 1:5  If any of you lack wisdom, you should pray to God and he will give it to you.
1 John 5:14 We have courage in God's presence, because we are sure that he hears us if we ask him for anything that is according to his will.


My kid is so smart.  

Do I live in Crisis or Christ?

I'm at home again today working so I can hear myself think and go about my work with a calmness that I just can't find in my office.  I start every Tuesday and Thursday at the gym with my trainer Tyson whom I love.  I'm not sure that anyone gets to be in my life on a regular basis unless I love you.  Or is it that I come to love you because you are in my life on a regular basis?  


Anyway, I was rambling onto Tyson (who is also my therapist apparently) about how I tend to go through my life unconsciously for huge blocks of times.  I just put my head down and weeks later I look up and I'm somewhere else.  I'm either asleep, driving, or dealing with my kids, class, work or friends.  It isn't that I don't enjoy lots of those activities, but I don't experience them, I "DO" them.  Now before you all go out and buy me the latest self-help book about Human Doings or Relaxing for Dummies, please get a hold of yourself.  THIS IS HOW I'M WIRED.  I'm not really complaining.  In the 80's and 90's I thought about changing it.  I read and I understood how I was supposed to meditate and get in touch with shit and  and FEEL stuff.  But I just said "NO".  Saying "no" works for me.  I don't have a problem with it.  I'm not a people pleaser.  I actually get great joy NOT pleasing people.  Sorry, I digress.


Okay, so anyway, we have established that I'm a DOER and that in order to DO all that I DO, I sort of become unconscious and brain dead.  And we have established that I don't plan on having that change anytime in the near future.  So if it pleases the court, I would like to introduce a new piece of evidence marked "Chronic Life".   This concept of Chronic Life focuses on what we "DO" with our lives when we believe that we have lost control of it?  There are times when I'm tired and I just sit, not being able to move and I think to myself..."how did I get here?"  How did I end up in this place with these circumstances and I can't move.  For a "DOER", this is called depression.  I don't believe I'm  depressed when I don't "feel" because feelings are for sissies in a DOER'S mind.  But when a DOER can't move.........can't physically move......take a step in her mind to the next thing on the list or physically get up out of bed or a chair and DO something, its trouble.  This happens to me at times.  My response to this is to "die" a little.  I know that sounds harsh but to me when someone goes to sleep for long periods of time, well beyond what a body needs to rest and recharge, I believe that is the desire....to die, to be void of anything living.  


The Chronic Life is when a person completely gives into this place.  When I get stuck in the place of "how did I become single?"  "how did my children lose their father?"  "how did I end up here, in this life, without my parents, my brothers, my heritage?"  "this wasn't my plan"....In short "why me?"  There is nothing empowering about any of that.  DOERS need to be empowered to move, to do things about their situation.  


I was on the treadmill after my painful, hatefest with Tyson and I was glancing at the TV and Favre's wife was on it with a Pastor.  They wrote a book called The Cure for a Chronic Life.  She lost her brother and then was diagnosed with breast cancer a few days later and the pastor found out at age 16 that he was HIV positive.  Anyway, the whole focus of the book is on not giving into focusing on SELF but OTHERS.  Let me repeat that......when it seems like the most unnatural time in your life to be SELFLESS is when you most need to be SELFLESS.  Mrs. Favre talked about how she met other women with breast cancer and how many didn't have insurance or money and how grateful she was that she had both (she now has a foundation to help uninsured women battling breast cancer--GO MRS. FAVRE) .  


This is a DOER's gift....yes, give me something to DO.  (I know there are some of you out there thinking...she needs to FEEL her way out of this..)  I would like to point out that as someone who has a Master's in Social Work and who did therapy as a patient and as a counselor,...NOT!  Yes I'm pissed at John, I FEEL betrayed, anger, sadness, unworthy, etc.  SO WHAT?  The Son of a Bitch cheated on me and didn't honor his marriage vows.  GOT IT.  What am I going to DO about the rest of my life.  He married his mistress and is spending his life without his children.  He made his choices.  What am I going to DO with all these circumstances?


I do believe in the premise of that book.  I think that the more stuck we get in our lives, the more we need to spend giving and reaching out to others.  Seriously.  Take the focus of "self".  God calls us to heal others, serve others, love others.  The whole TV thing was God's call to me.  God never whispers to me, he uses TV, computer, social networking to reach me.  He is totally PLUGGED in...


So I need to decide "do I live in Crisis or Christ?"  .............it is completely up to me at this point.......(and we all know how much I like that!?)  

No One EVER confuses me with Mary....My name is MARTHA!

First of all I have a confession to make....I'm writing this blog entry while I'm officially in my class at the University of Iowa.  I have a picture of myself frozen that is supposed to be me attending class and I have the professor talking to me in my headset but I'm bored out of my mind.  I am one of those people that feels entitled that I shouldn't have to do anything I don't want to do.  I'm an elitist like that.  During staff meetings, I tend to work on whatever I find to be more worthwhile than whomever is speaking.  The fact that I just used the word "whomever" tells you that I'm a little bit of an elitist in the world of grammar.  I write in my blog while I'm supposed to be in class...the list continues.  It isn't that I feel "BETTER" than anyone else, I just feel that the number of minutes that I can participate in things that I don't care about are running out and so I cherish them and protect them.  I mean what if they run out before I die?  So I'm saving some today by not listening to my professor talk about culture shock and how we teach culture and language.

I'm glad that I got to feel gratitude yesterday because I am completely void of that feeling today.  This is because of the pace at which I'm running.  I spent the entire day in a meeting incredibly frustrated because people just don't get it as quickly as I do (please see above reference to being an elitist)...I'm not a leader...I'm not a manager...I'm a DO-ER and I get really bent out of shape when I have bring others along with me.  I would suck at being a principal.   I don't like working WITH people.  I like telling people what to do and then supporting them through doing it.  I get both the boss and the caregiver genes taken care of that way.  If you are reading this blog and you have ever worked with me, can I get a Woot, woot! 

How often are we just moving through life?  Don't answer that because its a moot question.  We all KNOW that we move blindly through our days and our lives and we have been guilted by that for decades.  For some of us, we promise to do better but we never do.  The interesting thing for me today is that I'm not really going to write about being too busy.  I'm going to share with you that I have had an insight into this lifestyle that I think is worthy to share.

One of the reasons that I seem to keep cycling back around to wanting to find "love" in my life is because it is the ONE thing that slows me down.  The only thing that is strong enough to pull me out of the chaos of life is love.  My ultimate desire would be to experience that with God.  Haven't been able to do that yet.  He just jumps on my handlebars and rides along with me.  But I do experience that ability to slow down when I'm in love.

I go back and forth thinking that I really want to bypass this "dating" crap and trying to find a new love and just find the joy in not having to take care of a man  (don't even bother telling me you are married to the ONE man who isn't like that)  You will NEVER convert me to believe that.  I love men but I don't know if I really want to take care of another one...even the good ones are incredibly incompetent.  So I really do get quite comfortable thinking that I'm totally free to do what I want and do what I want with my kids as they age and not have to compromise at all.  Remember, I would have done that for John since he is the father of my kids and we had built a family unit that was supposed to be bigger than both of us as individuals.  However, to do that again is simply draining.....

HOWEVER, I seem to come out of that place regularly and think that I want to be in love.  I'm just realizing that one of the reasons is because it DOES slow me down and cause me to appreciate things and feel gratitude in a way that being alone doesn't.  I think I need to sit with this and think about why I don't seem to be able to do this for myself on my own and why I need this "love focus" in order to accomplish it.  Am I not worth the same type of "slowing down and smelling the flowers" moments on my own as I am when I'm in love?  Hmmmm.... or is it that I just forgot how to do it after being married for so long?

What God has yoked together let no man pull apart.”—MATTHEW 19:6. (I wish Matthew had mentioned that no woman should pull it apart either) ;)  

Speak up, I can't HEAR you

This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it (Psalm 118:24)  


I couldn't say it any better.  I'm sitting in my office working from home and I find that I'm just staring out the second story window.  The leaves are orange and red and I'm afraid almost gone.  I know this because Charlie has lined up 18 bags filled with them along the street ;)  It's quiet.  Every once in awhile I hear a bird outside and I have a squirrel who is my best friend who seems to climb onto the roof and knock on my window every time I sit here.  He acts like he knows me but I don't remember ever meeting him.  If I was a believer in reincarnation, I would be willing to tell you that we have met before.  


I'm aware today that I need "peace" in my life.  I need to unplug my ipod, get away from my office and all the people at school that "talk" to me and just hear nothing.  I need to get away from the sound of my own voice.  


I have been suspicious of this because I've started to drive to and from work in silence.  No radio, nothing.  This isn't like me.  But I crave peace.  I crave it because I haven't had a lot of it since 2006 when John left.  I've been the only parent for three fabulous kids.  They needed me to stay plugged in.  They needed me to talk, share, cry and dance with them.  We've done it all.  I have needed to work so I don't have the option of staying home where it is quiet.  Its okay.  


But what I absolutely know to be true about who I am and how I'm wired and what I do.........I do not find gratitude or appreciation without the peace.  I do not find it in the "busyness" of the world.  I do not find it in the noise.  As I get older, I am finding that the noise distracts me even more so the need for peace grows as well.


So I will go and allow myself 10 more minutes of peace before I begin to analyze the test data that I just got from my 10th graders on the PLAN test.  I will allow myself 10 more minutes to sit with God and appreciate his trees and leaves and the sunshine.  I will allow myself 10 more minutes to see if my best friend knocks on my window this morning.  I will allow myself 10 more minutes to just exhale and give thanks and feel appreciation for all that God has given me, done for me and helped me through.


Matthew 6:21  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.....sigh

Memory is the treasury and guardian of all things.

As I'm ending my day I realize that I have visited many things from my past.  I texted an old friend from high school that I haven't talked to in probably 31 years although I adored him growing up; I had to give a presentation tonight and as usual I used many references to my childhood as I answered questions; I worked on an essay test that is due at the University of Iowa on Wednesday (didn't I graduate in 1982 from there?); and finally, my favorite, I just finished making my daughter's lunch.


My daughter is 15 and more than capable of making her own lunch.  I haven't made "a" lunch for over a year because Charlie and Rachel eat at school exclusively now.  They should.  They go to a school that won national recognition because they serve organic and home grown foods.  They buy locally and are doing a great thing for the economy.  Rachel is taking her lunch tomorrow because she has a meeting over lunch and will be rushed.  Being the wonderful mother I am, she is taking a peanut butter sandwich, cheetos, granola bar, and oranges.  As I packed her lunch, I realized that at this school, I am one of THOSE parents.  My Rachel is growing up in one of THOSE families.  In short, her hot lunch at school may be the BEST MEAL OF HER DAY!!!  


As someone in education, I can tell you I hear it all the time.  Those low income families that you worry about if the kiddos are getting enough to eat and so you say at some point, "eating at school may be the best meal they get or the only meal they get".  It's not said to be mean, in our world, it is said because it is the truth.  At Price Lab, I AM THAT FAMILY.  Lunch at Price Lab is definitely the healthiest meal that my kids ever eat.  It's organic for crying out loud.  


So there I stood....looking at that pathetic lunchbox with all of it's white and orangeness mocking me.  Truly, foods that are white or orange generally cannot be that good for you.  I focused only on the clementines knowing that they were healthy when I realized that they are not organic, just fruit. So I peeled them for her hoping not to get the pesticides on her white bread.  CRAP....white bread? Really?  What mom serves their children WHITE bread in this century?  I'm not even going to comment on the cheetos because we all know that their color is far from natural no matter what you call them.  I need to just bow my head in shame with that one.  Hey, there is a GRANOLA bar in there........not a natural one or one with no added sugar but one with lots and lots of big ingredients that will guarantee its freshness 5 years from now should she drop it in her locker.  I do believe its only "100 calories" though so that's something right?  


I'm wondering if I should warn her before she opens the lunchbox?  I mean I have a feeling that few of these children have ever seen such artificial treats.  What if word gets around school that Rachel's mom packed her an artificial lunch?  Her whole high school career might be ruined simply because I packed her lunch????????????


This whole thing is coming about because I read an article today that made me fearful of sleep.  It says that I should NEVER use my cell phone as my alarm clock.  Well, exactly how do you expect me to get up???  It went onto to say that if your bedroom is on the second floor, you have wiring under your bed and that's not good, that you should remove your tv, cell phone, electrical cords, etc. from your bedroom so you can get a good night's sleep.  I was thinking I was tired until I starting stressing about how I could ever get rid of all that wiring.  You all know that I tend to eat when I'm stressed so.............


Wonder if we have any Twinkies?  Let me check Rachel's lunch ;)

Found a NEW way into Heaven

Matthew 18 1-3 "At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.


I spent the day today getting into heaven.  I know I just had my "to church or not to church" argument but then I found that possibly there is another way in and behold....Matthew 18!!!


So I drove to Carlisle and spent the afternoon with 3 teacher girlfriends who are children in their own rights (all three pregnant) and their three daughters.  These little women were infants the last time I saw them....barely walking at all but now, HOLY BUCKETS...look out.  Walking, talking and riding little Barbie bikes.  


What I can tell you about these women and their daughters is that spending time with them feeds my soul.  I love the moms and have for a long time but today I needed those little baby women.  They have become such little friends.  They share with each other, they talk to each other and you can tell that they absolutely love each other.  I'm struck by how beautiful I find them.  We all think kids are "cute" but that isn't what I'm saying.  What I'm saying is that I could actually stare at all three of their little faces for hours because I think they are absolutely beautiful....I think that innocence and that beauty is part of what God is talking about in Matthew.  It opens my heart to be with them and hear them laugh.  At one point, they were jumping on the trampoline (as much as they could jump) and they began to laugh and laugh and giggle like little girls can do and it was infectious.  I couldn't stop from laughing.


Such love they share and honesty.  I learned a lot from being with them today but mostly they just fed my soul.  Thank you to their moms for making the time for me today.  Rhonda is due with baby number 2 in two weeks; Tricia is due with baby number two in November and last but certainly not least, Abby is due with babies 2 AND 3 (yes twins) this spring.  I cannot wait!!!!!


Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man.  ~Rabindranath Tagore


As for the church thing........I think I'm going to try this online church for awhile.  New Life Church or something.  I'll let you know how it works out.

To CHURCH or not to CHURCH? THAT is the question?

So how bad is it when the PARENT...the 50 year old mother of three is the one that doesn't attend church???  It's true.  I'm ashamed (well, I'm trying to be anyway).

My oldest son, Jake, is 20 1/2.  (I started counting "and a half" when the kids were little and it seemed to matter to everyone).  He is a sophomore at the Univ. of Iowa (BIG party school right?).  He leads a bible study on Monday nights for what the U calls "Verve" (freshman worship time).  He goes to worship every Thursday night at what they call 24/7 (college ministry) AND goes to "church" on Sunday mornings with a group that does Monday nights and Thursday nights with him.  I completely suck compared to him.

My 17 year old Charlie and his sister 15 year old Rachel attend church every Wednesday night for worship and small group and attend a "lunch bunch" to chat about it during Thursday lunch at school with other Christian kids who go to other youth groups.  I suck compared to them too.

Now before you go and call DHS, let me remind you that I am the one who RAISED these little Christians on Crack so I get some sort of credit for that.  They all went to Christian school for 7 years, worshipped weekly until this year and did all those other things. 

Here's my dilemma.  I was spoiled in WDM.  I went to a megachurch that had worship almost 24/7.  They had Thursday night, Saturday night, Sunday morning (3) and Sunday night.  We were always a Saturday night family.  LOVED Saturday night and right before we left WDM, we had become a Sunday night family when Saturday night wouldn't work.  I haven't worshiped on Sunday mornings for .....well.....forever.  I grew up Catholic and once the Pope decided that as long as Saturday service was after 5:15 p.m., it "counted", I was a convert from Sunday.  I've never been in love with Sunday morning worship.  The only time I attended on Sunday morning was when I had to sing. 

So I moved to CF which has a big mega church that has a Saturday night service and we started going on Saturday night.  There are lots of conflicts at that time these days with work, etc., but the real reason I don't go is because I don't like it.  The megachurch here is really a Baptist church.  I don't know why they just don't say that.  It's Baptist in that it is run by Elders (all men), Women can't preach and its seriously focused on the Old Testament.  I think Charlie said it best when he said "our last church talked about the world and life as we know it and found biblical teachings to help us cope...this church finds biblical teachings (mostly OT) and tries to find things going on in the world that fit.  Not at all semantics....very different.

I can shorten this dialogue to this....it all feels fake.  My megachurch before was definitely about the SHOW at times.  But I started there when there were less than 200 people there, good friends with head pastor, worked there....so I could wade through the "stuff" and get the "goods".  Here, it just feels fake.  The music is fake, the message is disjointed and I just find myself doing my grocery list mentally.

So why go?

I can worship God anywhere I want, right?  I don't have to go to "CHURCH" to do that?  This is probably a true statement.  The problem is....I DON'T worship God anywhere I want.  I live the rest of my life.  I know some people probably do but I don't.  I'm a creature of habit.  I'm all about the familiar and I'm used to going to church at least once a week to worship.  (IF you doubt me, please refer to the current practices of my three kids...again, they got that from somewhere). 

SO I'm here painfully aware that part of why I feel so disconnected to this planet and my life and my body and my health and my heart and my soul....is because I'm disconnected from my God.  Nothing really falls into place for me completely when I'm not connected to the Holy Spirit that I believe lives in me.  I feel sad more, I give into feelings of being "less than" more.  I feel unfocused and a victim to circumstances more.  I'm just more unhappy and hopeless.

Why is that?  Because I can't cope with the world around me if I don't believe there is a God.  Some say "how can there be a God if the world is like it is".  I'm from the camp, "it is what it is, the only way I cope is believing there IS a God."  I need to believe.  I would rather die believing there is a God and just ending up dead, than to not believe and die and find out there is. 

So I have no idea what I will do.  I keep thinking each week, this is the week I will grab Charlie and Rachel and go to church.  I'm not seeing it.  ...

TOO much daily bread...candy...bagels....donuts

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you whom you have from God?  You are not your own, for you were bought with a price.  So glorify God with your body.  1 Corinthians, 6:19-20.

Sounds easy enough right?  Jesus died on the cross for my sins so that I could live.  My soul was bought and paid for by that act....so all that God asks is that I glorify God with my body.  Then why do I allow it to be abused so regularly? 

Today I feel like a mac truck not only ran over me......but backed up and took another shot.  I'm at home and I can barely move.  I'm sore and I'm tired and I feel terrible.  Why?  For starters, this week was a week of nothing but stress..cortisol, stress hormones, unconscious eating, emotional eating....absolutely nothing but stress.  I spent the week in meetings.  Not just any kind of meetings but meetings with staff.  Two of my buildings are SINA schools and so 2 of the days this week was spent in the process of developing a plan to deal with it.  I had a board meeting Monday night (15 hour day) where the desire to punish one family in the district was so powerful that something that I wrote that should have taken 15 seconds to pass by the board became an hour of nonsense, arguments and negativity.  I spend my days getting beat up by all three of my buildings because they are out of control.  One of my administrators doesn't "administrate" and simply lets his building run wild.  I know want to go on because thinking about it and talking about it just prolongs the stress.

The complete irony is that other than a few people (I can't name them, I'm just assuming they exist) these people want me to stay in the district because I tell the truth, push them to change and try to keep their focus on the kids.  Not sure I'm having much luck right now with that.

It's killing me.  Every Friday I feel horrible.  I feel better if I can control my food and exercise but I don't ever feel "light" and "free".  I just feel better.  It's easy to say.......Robin, leave.  However, what you have to understand is that God put me there.  I certainly didn't want to drive two hours a day to work.  I certainly didn't want to go into this broken district with no leadership and take it on.  God put me there.  When I can go, he'll put a job in front of me and I will start all over again.  This has always been how it works for me.  God has never put me anywhere this level of negativity.  I eat it, breathe it and wear it everytime I'm there. 

In an effort to cope this year, I decided to only drive 3 of the 5 days when I can.  I try to schedule things so that I go to work M, W and F and work from home on T and Th.  For the most part I have been able to do that and so instead of driving an hour in the morning to work, I pop over to the gym for a work out.  It helps me deal with the other three days. 

I have to figure out what to connect the idea that my body is a temple.......that my number one goal, purpose, task is to treat myself as though God lives inside of me....keeping my "temple" clean and healthy....instead of feeling like I'm bathed in anger, negativity, in some cases, just plain meanness.  I start each week with a bit of energy and I end on Friday feeling like an 80 year old woman. 

Maybe I'm supposed to figure out how to keep that focus IN this type of place.?  I don't know......but I'm tired and I'm worn and I don't feel happy.....

Do you think Jesus ever wanted to ask a girl out?

I could write a book (and probably should) on dating in your 40's.  There is absolutely nothing more foreign, more unnatural or more uncomfortable than pulling out this youthful practice and trying to make sense of it at this age.  It is NOT like riding a bike. 

First of all, I'm very uncomfortable with the language.  I recently ended a year long love affair with a wonderful man who is 12 years younger than I am and a hunk.  (Side note:  I totally deserved that girls)  I stumbled everytime I went to refer to him or when I went to introduce him...."Hi, this is my ???? boyfriend (oh my gosh, I'm 12) my significant other (could that be more clinical) my partner (not really unless we are in business together)...see my problem..There should be a new word for mature relationships that are not marriage.  I will not ever succumb to "this is my FRIEND".  You know those couples that in their 50's or 60's that really put the emphasis on that word FRIEND.  Ridiculous.  What I wanted to say is "Hi, this is Jeff...he is the only man in my lifetime who has made me feel like I'm the absolutely most beautiful woman in the world and when he looks at me, I can tell that he feels like he is the luckiest man in the world."  That's what I wanted to say.  I wanted to say "Hi, this is the man that took my heart in his hands and began to heal it after the man who promised to love and cherish me for a lifetime, broke it".  I wanted to say "Hi, this man loves me."

Second of all, for those of us ending marriages that lasted decades, (mine was 20 years), it takes years to feel like you aren't having an affair and that it is now okay to have dinner with a man who is not your husband or flirt with someone.  I remember one of my first dates (I did lots of first dates in the beginning with absolutely no second dates.  I felt like I needed to practice the first date thing) where the guy said "Robin, you don't realize you aren't married yet".  No shit Sherlock... you don't simply STOP being a wife after 20 years of being one.  I think it was 2 years before I truly felt "single".  It helped when I left the "family" home and it helped even more when the kids and I moved from West Des Moines.  I don't recommend dating until you truly feel single.  It makes for an odd evening.  I have about 6 men you can call to confirm that fact.

It is difficult to enter into relationships at this age.  Sharing a meal or going to a movie is something that we can be successful at doing but entering into a real relationship at this stage is not for the weak at heart.  I believe that pain is cumulative and that each time you experience heartbreak, it opens all prior wounds.  That's what I believe and that's what I have experienced.  So to risk another layer of that pain is only for the brave and the stupid. 

I think that's why we give up.  That and the fact that there is never a simpler time to enter into a relationship than when you are looking to build a family.  When you find a person and you have children, its simple.  Your baggage is your baggage together....nothing bonds you more than children and sharing a "family".  Nothing.  Anything after that.......is beyond complicated.  Kids that don't belong to you...kids you didn't raise...trying to deal with the present with NO history between you.  History takes time and the one thing you don't have is TIME at this age.  You are dealing with the crap of a  relationship long before you have a history of dealing with the ease of the relationship. I know lots of people go on and get married again.  I'm not sure how they do it.  I assume they are different that I am.  I assume they are less complicated or luckier.   I wouldn't know how to begin to make a man more important than my children.  There was certainly shit I would put up with from the father of my children that I would NEVER put up with  from any other male on this planet.  Its just the way it is.

I want to believe in second chances........its just getting harder and harder to do it. 

What did Jesus dream about?

I know it isn't my 7th day but I'm introducing the topic of "rest" today.  Confession time....I'm a TERRIBLE rester.  I'm a professional "HIT THE WALL" kind of gal.  I'm not sure what the middle looks like.  I'm not good with prescribed sorts of resting plans.  I completely fail at the "you need to take care of yourself" stuff.  What does that mean anyway?  I'm a single mother of three...yes, it will be very healthy for me to worry more about myself than my kids....NOT!  Truth is, even when I was married, I simply had one more child to take care of.  Don't get me wrong, I like men but I have had 50 years to appreciate their challenges and quite frankly one HUGE challenge is taking care of themselves.  If nothing else I spent billions of hours of my life finding things in his home for him.  I always wondered about that.....I always wanted to ask John, "didn't you move in here with me?"  Why am I the only one who knows where things are?  I digress.


Women are caretakers by nature (yes even those of us that are fiercely independent and strong)..I fought it for years but quite frankly I was happiest in my role as the caretaker of my family.  I was the rock.  Of course I was younger then and also had some help.  I'll never forget the first family outing after Rachel was born.  We went to the grocery store with a 5 year old, a 2 year old and an infant and John looked at me and said "Oh my god, they outnumber us!".  Life was a series of balls up in the air from that point on.  


The place that I exist now is one of fatigue.  I'm sure I have cancer....okay, probably not but nothing would surprise me at this point.  I don't sleep at night, hardly ever.  I'm exhausted about 9:00 or 9:30 if I'm home and I lay down feeling about 15 minutes of sheer bliss as I snuggle into my blankets and pillows and then..................nothing.  No sleep.  It's usually 3:30 before I forget I'm awake and then the alarm goes off at 6:00. I often tell my "new mommy" friends that God sort of screwed up.  Women in their 50's should be the moms because when I was in my 30's and had 3 babies/toddlers, I was MORE than capable of sleeping and I thought sleep deprivation would be my ultimate demise.  However, now that I'm 50, I would like nothing more than a baby to occupy my time in the middle of the night.  Occasionally I'll sleep more but the gift of menopause is insomnia.  Thank you again EVE!!!!  (For those of you that might not know why I am blaming Eve, please meet me after class and I'll splain it to you)......Bitch.


So this idea of "rest"....often comes in the form of wanting balance doesn't it?  Isn't that what we are told to strive for as working mothers....."BALANCE".  I think it is the biggest myth that we perpetuate in this society is that we can have balance.  I tell you who can achieve balance....married mother of 2, full time mom,  with 2 live in nannies and a housekeeper.  That chick is balanced!  Time for exercise, time to eat well, no need to stress eat, time for hair, nails, etc.. not too tired for sex...coffee with girlfriends...reads a book on occasion....BALANCE is expensive.  


The Bible talks a lot about rest in Hebrews.  I know there is the "Sabbath" and I'm supposed to rest.  However, in the OT that was Saturday because they were Jewish and now its Sunday because we are Christians...just another thing to keep track of.  I suppose you could take a sabbath on any day of the week that you choose.  I don't seem to be able to choose one. In Genesis, the word talks of God resting on the 7th day not because he was tired but because he was done.  Therein lies the problem.


When am I ever "done"?  I stop at times (see above reference to "hitting the wall") but it certainly isn't because I'm "done".  I'm afraid if I have to wait until I'm "done", I'll be on this hamster wheel forever.  I find as I'm aging that I'm messed up in terms of sleep patters, energy, lack thereof...its all part of changing hormones, the aging process and depression.  I do think there is an element of depression (chemical imbalance) happening.  Not the "I'm going to jump off a bridge type" but more the "I wouldn't mind Jesus coming back today cuz I'm too tired to care that 40% of the kids in my school district started the year below grade level in reading."  That sort of depression.  Life just seems to go on past the point of the story sometimes.  My depression is like those movies where you think......."okay, good story, I got it............hmmmm, yeah, I got it.............hmmmmm, OK I GOT IT (looking at my watch)....oh for crying out loud get on with it!"


 Thankfully, God also talks about another kind of rest that will come later....not next weekend but LATER...as in "I can sleep when I'm dead" sort of rest!  That sounds so good to me right now.......

Would Jesus' best friend John read his blog if he had one?

I've had quite a few friends talk about reading my blog. I've been blessed to know wonderful people in my lifetime.   One of the biggest re-creations that I am going through is what do I "need" in terms of friendship and community.  For the past 20 years, my friends have been primarily the mothers of my kids' friends.  How pathetic is that?  I can't help it.  I didn't make the rules, I just follow them. It just works out that way.  Who else is going to be on the soccer field at 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning freezing their butts off?  Who else is going to be sitting at a band concert that never ever ends?  These are your peeps and the only people who understand the love-hate relationship you have with your child being "involved" in school.

I'm not a collector of people.  I don't tend to go through phases of my life and carry people with me.  I left my high school and never looked  back.  I left college and other than one very dear friend who I literally took to Phoenix (okay, she really took me but it doesn't flow as well), I never looked back.  My single friends in Phoenix got left behind when I went to graduate school and other than John who I married, I left all of those as well.  My point is......I'm not a collector of people.  I don't have a lot of family either (I'm sensing a common denominator here).  My parents are long gone and my brothers and I don't really have much of a relationship.  I just move through life experiencing people in the present and then I'm gone.  It isn't that people in my life have not been worthy of being collected.  Not at all...its just how I'm wired.

So as I age and I think about my life, it makes sense that I am wondering what my needs are with regard to friendship and /or community.  My best friend in the world is in Phoenix.  Di and I have been friends since Jake was almost 1.  We were at home mommy friends who talked on the phone constantly (no cell phones back then ) so we were tied to the cord.  It is wonderful for me to have someone that has a history with me.  She watched my kids grow from the beginning.  She is Charlie's godmother and I don't think I would have survived Charlie's first week of life in intensive care without her and Dave (hubby at the time).  We have been through 6 kids, 3 divorces, a child who became a drug addict, one who chose a military life, one who is waiting to choose and one who just headed off to college.  We have lost boyfriends, husbands, sold houses, bought houses and worked our asses off.  All that needs to pass between us in a text is........"U good?" I love that history.  I love that sense of being beyond "friends" and merging that family/friend feeling.  I trust her.  I know she will always be there.  She is like a sister that I didn't have to hate for a period of time to appreciate.

I have girlfriends that for some reason I can't get rid of.  They are these young and beautiful teachers from my last job.  They are having their own little girls and I can't seem to get enough of them.  I want to spend time with the "big girls and the little girls" as I call them.  I see so much joy in the next generation.  I have met the young women who will be running the world when I can't and they are named Halle, Ella and Taylor!  Watch out.  When I really need to recharge, find me a group of teachers from Carlisle and let me yak with them while their little kiddos are running around and if there is a baby to hold (and there usually is), I'm in heaven.

I moved here to CF for my own children to attend NU.  It was a good idea but I'm not building a life here.  I'm not making a connection to the community and I'm still only talking to the mother's of my kids' friends.  This is not my "home". It wasn't my plan for it to be this way, it just is working out that way.   I work in a different community and believe me when I tell you that I certainly am not home there.  With the changes I'm bringing to that community, I try to be out of town by sundown.  So I'm thinking about moving back to Des Moines when Rachel is done at NU.  I need a sense of connection, of grounding that doesn't exist for me here.  I've also toyed with the idea of moving back to my hometown.  There is something incredibly "Lion Kingish" about ending your life where you started it but not having stayed in the middle.

The hard reality is that after a certain age you can no longer really create history with someone or build much of a community.  Time just isn't on your side.  They never tell you that growing up.  They never tell you that to build the kind of loyalty and love and depth in a friendship, you have to have time and that's the one commodity that you don't have as much of after 50.  I think I would have tried harder to collect people.
"If one falls down, his friend can help him up.  But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up"
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10....I hope I have someone to help me up.

Biblically Speaking ....I'm HOT!

I'm about to burst a bubble for some of you and so if you are feeling like you are walking a thin line of coping today, you might just want to STOP READING and return to your cocoon of safety. I just got home from exercising and decided to write today about exercise (one of my creations in my Genesis). Up to this point in my life, I ONLY exercise because it is vaguely connected to my desire to be beautiful.
This is what the Bible says about beauty:
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3 3-4.


This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is female AND that the writers of the Bible were women. Seriously. No MAN would ever write such shit! Really, its a woman's heart that makes her beautiful? REALLY? Its a woman's quiet spirit that makes her beautiful, REALLY? Not the hair, jewelry and clothes????? Bullshit.


In our culture baby we have standards of beauty that NO ONE meets (check out my video at the beginning of my post) and yet even when Dove Soap shows us what happens behind the curtain, nothing changes. It's in our subconscious mind that its real. We've believed it is real for so long, we can't NOT believe it.
We prune, prod, scrape and shave ourselves into some semblance of these magazines....we color, weave, cut, wax and obsess over every pimple as though it means the end of our title. It's what we do. No matter what we look like, no matter our age, the one thing that never ever leaves, is that sense that we don't measure up somehow.


The bible says we do....there are many references...Proverbs 31-30 says "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" By whom? Other women? Cuz it ain't the boys! The only real truth here is that "charm is deceptive" (how often do we act like someone else early in a relationship?...yes I LOVE football (GAG)) and also beauty is fleeting...(at any given moment of any given day we find a reason to feel badly about ourselves)...


Here's the deal for me. I'm 50 (I'm speaking for myself now, you can listen if you want but I'm talking to myself)....almost 51. I can't change that. I can't be anything BUT almost 51. I'm aging. I am too lazy to do much about that in terms of creams and oils and procedures. I'm just too lazy for all that. I barely wash my face. I'm virtually 100% gray/white haired. So I color my hair and a few days before I go in, I am reminded of my skunk tracks that it is an illusion that I am dark haired. I don't whiten my teeth because I think you all look ridiculous with neon teeth that couldn't possibly be real on anyone. I don't think I want to glow in the dark actually. And I'm overweight. Oh yea, like I have ever gotten to forget that fact. For 50 years, I have been some level of overweight (its women like me that expect those biblical references to set us free). They don't. They are not quite the soft comfort that you might think when you don't fit the model of being "beautiful".


So I exercised today......trying once again to focus on how I "FEEL" instead of how I look. How I felt today was angry. The entire time I ran, walked uphill, hurt, sweat pouring down, crunches, weights.......all I could feel was angry because as I much as I want it to be about how I "feel", I don't know how to get off the hamster wheel of how I look.


I will end with a story about my daughter. My Rachel who is 15 and beyond beautiful. Her shape is perfect. She weighs 120 pounds and is 5'5"...she is shapely like God intended women to be....she has a waist that comes in and hips that go out...her shape defines "curvy". She has a top and a bottom. She is muscular because she is a jock. She has beautiful eyes and a very unique face that makes it all work. She has a crook in her nose that she doesn't realize yet (it belongs to her father's family) and when she smiles, the world changes. I say that not only as her mother but i say it as a member of this culture. Rachel is beautiful. I have spent the last 5 years mostly talking to her, reading with her, processing with her all that comes from being female in this world. It is not an easy thing to be. She is strong, she is independent, she is kind and she is smart. What has made a difference for her is that she does honestly believe that God made her to look just like she looks and that because of that, she is beautiful. She believes it and it has shaped her. She has had something other than the world to use in judgment of herself. I hope to be just like her when I grow up.

What if Jesus was "ONLY" a carpenter?

So let's see, in my 7 "days", I have nutrition, so I need to figure out 5 more areas.  It really isn't very difficult if I'm honest.  My creations are simply:
(1) Nutrition
(2) Work
(3)  Exercise/Health
(4)  Friendship/Community
(5)  Love
(6)  God
(7)  And of course, "rest"

So today I'm at work in a HUGE three district professional development day.  It's at my "house" and so I'm the hostess.  That means the same as if you were all coming to my home for a party, I have to do all the work and you all show up and have a good time.  

I am currently the Director of School Improvement in a 3A school in Iowa.  I'm not sure how I got here but it had nothing to do with me, THAT I can tell you for sure.  The one area of my life that God has always had complete control over is my "work".  I hardly even pay attention, I just show up where he tells me to go.  I always know what he wants me to do when I get there.  Turn it upside down.

When I left High School, I headed to the University of Iowa and graduated with a B.A. in Social Work.  I wanted to be involved in crisis services because it was edgy and sexy.  There is nothing like getting a call at 2:00 a.m. and hearing the voice on the other end tell you they are about to kill themselves or being the first call to meet a rape victim in the emergency room at a local hospital.  All that pain, all that drama seemed to make me feel like I had my hands on the pulse of a much bigger entity than myself.  I liked being needed.  I never saw myself that way before but in hindsight, it appears to be a very big part of why I work.  I left Iowa and went to Arizona (I got cold) and ended up getting my Masters at ASU in Social Work.  I worked in a prison for girls and that was another edgy world.  

I got married to a man I met at ASU and because we were 28, we started a family fairly quickly.  Jake was born in 1990 and something happened to me that I never saw coming.  I wanted to stay home with him.  You have to understand, up to that point, "I was NOT that GIRL!".  I put myself through undergraduate and graduate school to do what?  STAY HOME?  That did not compute in my little sequential mind.  I wasn't an organic type woman (they always stay home and breast feed until the child is like 5).  I wasn't stupid (e.g., see previous mention of college degrees).  So why?  I don't think I even knew that first year why I did it.  I just did it.  Like a caterpillar that just instinctively does what it has to do to build a cocoon, I wrapped my beautiful little boy up and I became a full time mom.  It was the worst year of my life.

I didn't know how to do this.  I'm a very organized, intellectual woman who is used to having lots to do.  Jake was far from high maintenance and with just the three of us, my house could only handle so much organizing and cleaning.  I was a mess.  I spent much of the year trying to find a schedule that wouldn't change.  Just as I did.......you guessed it....it would change.  But something else began to change that year too.  I began to change.  I began to become a mother and someone who would use all of her skills, all of her abilities and all of her intellect to be the best damn mother she could be.  I wasn't going back to work and leaving this baby with ANYONE else.  

So for the next 12 years and the next two children, I was a full time mom.  Mothering became my JOB.  My career was actually being a "housewife/mom" if you will.  I still had degrees.  As a matter of fact the first year I was home, I would answer every question of "what do you do" with "I have a master's degree but I'm home full time right now".  It was critical that people KNOW that I was educated for crying out loud.  I would dabble in things here and there as a volunteer as the kids got a bit older but for the most part, I was them and they were me.  We moved to Iowa when Jake was 4 and Charlie 1 and had Rachel.  I was the cul-de-sac mom who would stand outside talking to other moms while the kids ran wild in the streets of West Des Moines.  We trashed teachers, gossiped about neighbors and secretly compared our children to one another.

I took classes here and there and ended up with both my Montessori credentials and my elementary ed credentials.  Education has always been a passion of mine.  When Rachel went to Kindergarten, I went with her (as her teacher).  My intention was to work bell to bell so I could continue to focus on my kids and that was fine.  I liked the extra money for future college bills, socializing and being smart and in charge again.  This is how I expected things to continue.

In 2006, my husband and I decided to divorce.  Okay, he decided to have a very long affair and  I decided after finding out that I couldn't make that work and so we best be apart.  Work became something much, much more to me again.  I went into the public school system kicking and screaming.  I hate rules and although I've managed so far not to have to follow very many of them, I am aware that on any given day, I might end up with someone who makes me.   I hate the idea of "having to work".  I hate the fact that my kids could have easily gone to college if their father and I were still married.  I hate that I have to pay attention to money.  But I do.

So I've been in public school for a very short time to be in such a big job.  I remember when I messing around in the elementary education classes, people would say "you need to be in curriculum", "you need to be in the school improvement part of school", blah, blah, blah.  Damned if that isn't where I am.  It's good for me to be here.  I'm good at this.  I'm the person who comes into a district that needs change and I create it.  I don't mind conflict, I'm not there to make friends, people generally like me and respect me so I have the skill set that makes this happen and then I usually move on.  I'm the kind of personality that wears out her welcome after a short time.

As my children are getting ready to desert me and leave to college, I have to figure out where "work" fits into my life.  I'm resistant to making my life ALL ABOUT WORK.  Hell, if I was going to do that, I would have done it at a younger age.  But how will work fit in?  I know that God will figure this out for me as he has all along the way but I like to pretend like I'm part of the process.  He gets a huge kick out of that from me.  

As I move into my 50's and my mothering gets less and less and from more of a distance, how will I define myself?  How will I use my "work" or my "job".  Stay tuned.......

Why Eve Ate the Apple

Let's face it.  We should have known back in the day that women would forever be the ones who struggled with their weight.  I mean, was it not EVE who gave into the carb craving and ate the Apple???  The writing was on the wall.  Now a "bit" later on in years, here I sit struggling with my relationship with that apple.  The apple represents carbs to me.  It represents that food group that is completely confusing to me.  They tell me that its healthy to eat fruits and vegetables (like anyone ever worries about those).  And it might be but I also know that when I "eat" carbs and sweet things, I turn into someone that I believe will spend eternity with that snake in hell.  I am CRAZY.

I have been heavy all my life.  Well actually there was about 2 minutes before I found out I was pregnant with my first child that I "thin".  I will forever be thankful that my brother chose to marry during that small window of time so there are family portraits capturing me in all my glory.  However, most of the rest of the time, I've been "some version" of heavy.  Sometimes heavier than other times but by all standards of our cultlure...heavy.  I've tried low carb diets and have had lots of relief from cravings and hunger.  Its a bit like heaven actually not having to think about food or feel hungry for hours at a time.  I get giddy just thinking about it.  But it doesn't last.  I eat something (just one thing) and it all goes by the wayside.  I completely understand why alcoholics do not ever drink casually. 

Yet I desire to feed my body well in this next phase of my life.  Of course I would like to be a size 12 (okay, I would probably lose my mind I could fit easily into a size 14).  You see, I look really good at size 12-14.  I know that in our culture that is still considered fat but I can live with it.  Heck, I would celebrate it at this stage of my life.  I would be able to say on Match.com that I was "average".  Truly the average size in America is a size 14.  Deal with it.

So I am going to begin my nutrition phase during Genesis.  I am going to take all my 50 years of knowledge and put it into one food plan.  I am going to focus on FEELING good instead of LOOKING good.  I mean, the truth is simply that I'm 50 and my beauty (if it ever existed) is certainly not peaking so I might as well "FEEL" for the rest of my life. 

My chosen plan looks something like this:
Breakfast: protein, oatmeal (has to be oatmeal)
Snack: fruit/almonds
Lunch: protein, veggies, grain
Snack: protein shake/fruit
Dinner:protein, veggies
Eve: decaf green tea

My God, I'm sick just looking at it.  I know it isn't sexy but at the same time, I've eaten this way and I feel so good when I do.  I will exercise as well but that will have to be a different post. 

Rest of my life..........here I come....10/11/10 will be my 3,576 DAY ONE.

Genesis

I am not sure what is causing me to think that it is a good idea to put my thoughts out to the world.  My experience is that no one really cares what anyone else thinks about.  What we care about is that someone is listening to us.  I believe that we are a society in need of attention and in our own attempt to get it, we often deprive others from receiving it.  


I am a 50 year old woman.  The questions that I'm asking as I enter a new phase in my journey were not at all what I thought they would be.  I feel like this is the beginning, my genesis if you will.  I am in a position to create something new, start over if you will.  My 20 year marriage ended a few years ago.  I became a single parent of 3 glorious children and I am beginning to see the end is in sight when they are all off and doing whatever God has planned for them.  So I am in my 7 days.  My Genesis.


This blog will be about all that I can consider to be my "daily bread".  It will be about food (issues I have had since memory was formed), it will be about my spirituality and my connection with God, it will be about work and my kids and men or the lack of men...it will simply be about all that I consider to be what I need or desire to nurture myself.  


I am in my 7 days...and much like the the scholars who don't really know if 7 days in Genesis were 24 hour days or some other type of time frame,...I don't know how long my 7 days will be either.  What I do know is I have four years before I'm a complete empty nester.....Is that enough time to create my new beginning?  We'll see.