I could write a book (and probably should) on dating in your 40's. There is absolutely nothing more foreign, more unnatural or more uncomfortable than pulling out this youthful practice and trying to make sense of it at this age. It is NOT like riding a bike.
First of all, I'm very uncomfortable with the language. I recently ended a year long love affair with a wonderful man who is 12 years younger than I am and a hunk. (Side note: I totally deserved that girls) I stumbled everytime I went to refer to him or when I went to introduce him...."Hi, this is my ???? boyfriend (oh my gosh, I'm 12) my significant other (could that be more clinical) my partner (not really unless we are in business together)...see my problem..There should be a new word for mature relationships that are not marriage. I will not ever succumb to "this is my FRIEND". You know those couples that in their 50's or 60's that really put the emphasis on that word FRIEND. Ridiculous. What I wanted to say is "Hi, this is Jeff...he is the only man in my lifetime who has made me feel like I'm the absolutely most beautiful woman in the world and when he looks at me, I can tell that he feels like he is the luckiest man in the world." That's what I wanted to say. I wanted to say "Hi, this is the man that took my heart in his hands and began to heal it after the man who promised to love and cherish me for a lifetime, broke it". I wanted to say "Hi, this man loves me."
Second of all, for those of us ending marriages that lasted decades, (mine was 20 years), it takes years to feel like you aren't having an affair and that it is now okay to have dinner with a man who is not your husband or flirt with someone. I remember one of my first dates (I did lots of first dates in the beginning with absolutely no second dates. I felt like I needed to practice the first date thing) where the guy said "Robin, you don't realize you aren't married yet". No shit Sherlock... you don't simply STOP being a wife after 20 years of being one. I think it was 2 years before I truly felt "single". It helped when I left the "family" home and it helped even more when the kids and I moved from West Des Moines. I don't recommend dating until you truly feel single. It makes for an odd evening. I have about 6 men you can call to confirm that fact.
It is difficult to enter into relationships at this age. Sharing a meal or going to a movie is something that we can be successful at doing but entering into a real relationship at this stage is not for the weak at heart. I believe that pain is cumulative and that each time you experience heartbreak, it opens all prior wounds. That's what I believe and that's what I have experienced. So to risk another layer of that pain is only for the brave and the stupid.
I think that's why we give up. That and the fact that there is never a simpler time to enter into a relationship than when you are looking to build a family. When you find a person and you have children, its simple. Your baggage is your baggage together....nothing bonds you more than children and sharing a "family". Nothing. Anything after that.......is beyond complicated. Kids that don't belong to you...kids you didn't raise...trying to deal with the present with NO history between you. History takes time and the one thing you don't have is TIME at this age. You are dealing with the crap of a relationship long before you have a history of dealing with the ease of the relationship. I know lots of people go on and get married again. I'm not sure how they do it. I assume they are different that I am. I assume they are less complicated or luckier. I wouldn't know how to begin to make a man more important than my children. There was certainly shit I would put up with from the father of my children that I would NEVER put up with from any other male on this planet. Its just the way it is.
I want to believe in second chances........its just getting harder and harder to do it.
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