To CHURCH or not to CHURCH? THAT is the question?

So how bad is it when the PARENT...the 50 year old mother of three is the one that doesn't attend church???  It's true.  I'm ashamed (well, I'm trying to be anyway).

My oldest son, Jake, is 20 1/2.  (I started counting "and a half" when the kids were little and it seemed to matter to everyone).  He is a sophomore at the Univ. of Iowa (BIG party school right?).  He leads a bible study on Monday nights for what the U calls "Verve" (freshman worship time).  He goes to worship every Thursday night at what they call 24/7 (college ministry) AND goes to "church" on Sunday mornings with a group that does Monday nights and Thursday nights with him.  I completely suck compared to him.

My 17 year old Charlie and his sister 15 year old Rachel attend church every Wednesday night for worship and small group and attend a "lunch bunch" to chat about it during Thursday lunch at school with other Christian kids who go to other youth groups.  I suck compared to them too.

Now before you go and call DHS, let me remind you that I am the one who RAISED these little Christians on Crack so I get some sort of credit for that.  They all went to Christian school for 7 years, worshipped weekly until this year and did all those other things. 

Here's my dilemma.  I was spoiled in WDM.  I went to a megachurch that had worship almost 24/7.  They had Thursday night, Saturday night, Sunday morning (3) and Sunday night.  We were always a Saturday night family.  LOVED Saturday night and right before we left WDM, we had become a Sunday night family when Saturday night wouldn't work.  I haven't worshiped on Sunday mornings for .....well.....forever.  I grew up Catholic and once the Pope decided that as long as Saturday service was after 5:15 p.m., it "counted", I was a convert from Sunday.  I've never been in love with Sunday morning worship.  The only time I attended on Sunday morning was when I had to sing. 

So I moved to CF which has a big mega church that has a Saturday night service and we started going on Saturday night.  There are lots of conflicts at that time these days with work, etc., but the real reason I don't go is because I don't like it.  The megachurch here is really a Baptist church.  I don't know why they just don't say that.  It's Baptist in that it is run by Elders (all men), Women can't preach and its seriously focused on the Old Testament.  I think Charlie said it best when he said "our last church talked about the world and life as we know it and found biblical teachings to help us cope...this church finds biblical teachings (mostly OT) and tries to find things going on in the world that fit.  Not at all semantics....very different.

I can shorten this dialogue to this....it all feels fake.  My megachurch before was definitely about the SHOW at times.  But I started there when there were less than 200 people there, good friends with head pastor, worked there....so I could wade through the "stuff" and get the "goods".  Here, it just feels fake.  The music is fake, the message is disjointed and I just find myself doing my grocery list mentally.

So why go?

I can worship God anywhere I want, right?  I don't have to go to "CHURCH" to do that?  This is probably a true statement.  The problem is....I DON'T worship God anywhere I want.  I live the rest of my life.  I know some people probably do but I don't.  I'm a creature of habit.  I'm all about the familiar and I'm used to going to church at least once a week to worship.  (IF you doubt me, please refer to the current practices of my three kids...again, they got that from somewhere). 

SO I'm here painfully aware that part of why I feel so disconnected to this planet and my life and my body and my health and my heart and my soul....is because I'm disconnected from my God.  Nothing really falls into place for me completely when I'm not connected to the Holy Spirit that I believe lives in me.  I feel sad more, I give into feelings of being "less than" more.  I feel unfocused and a victim to circumstances more.  I'm just more unhappy and hopeless.

Why is that?  Because I can't cope with the world around me if I don't believe there is a God.  Some say "how can there be a God if the world is like it is".  I'm from the camp, "it is what it is, the only way I cope is believing there IS a God."  I need to believe.  I would rather die believing there is a God and just ending up dead, than to not believe and die and find out there is. 

So I have no idea what I will do.  I keep thinking each week, this is the week I will grab Charlie and Rachel and go to church.  I'm not seeing it.  ...