Missing in Action

I heard from a little bird I met that she had read all of my blogs, I figured I better go back and see what I had written.  WOW, most of my entries were when I began the blog in October, 2010 and a couple in November and then I went MIA.  What's incredibly amazing to me is that I have no memory of writing most of what I read. You see, that's how it works for me.  I don't "plan" on writing, I don't  "edit" my writing...I just write and so when it is done, "it is done".  I don't know if that makes it any less authentic?  I suppose it could represent the only time that I'm truly in the moment?

Well I feel like I need to "update" some things since there was about a year when I didn't feel the need to write.
Work:  Still at the 3A school as Director of School Improvement BUT have a wonderful new superintendent that  makes me believe dreams can come true and we can get some things done.  I don't feel impotent there anymore.
Food:  Clean living is the order of the day and I'm making nutrition a priority this year.
Exercise:  Found Farrells in Cedar Falls and the most amazing people who run it and clients who use it.  I lived through the first 10 weeks of Extreme training and I've committed this year to it as well.
Spirituality:  I'm back at the Baptist church because I couldn't sustain the connection with the online version.  I need the energy of the room even if it isn't perfect.  God wired us to worship together and I'm not fighting it.
Love:  Single again and most likely remaining that way.  Because I am a caretaker by nature, I draw men to me who need to be cared for or desire that in a woman.  I don't have it to give right now.  I want to give it to myself.  I have lots going on with a senior and a sophomore and its their time.  I also am moving further and further away from wanting to attach my kids and myself to someone else, something else.  The idea of kids who are grown that I didn't raise, the complications of others' divorces is not appealing to me at this time.  I don't think it was an accident that my two year love affair with my younger man came with no tangible baggage.
I'm also finishing my ESL endorsement (class every Wed this spring at Iowa) and also started my second Master's (one full Saturday a month on site and loads of work in between), so I'm busy.

These are the things I'll write more about as time goes on.  I need to reflect this year.  I need to open up to hear God's spirit and voice.  I need to pay attention because I'm sure he has a plan for me and I want to be faithful.  

Goodbye 2011

I am ending the year 2011 with a headache, feeling less than filled with health and tired.  I have a slight suspicion that is most likely how I started the year but can't really remember.  This was a big year in that my kids turned 21, 18 and 16!!  WOW.  Jake had his first drink, Charlie is a registered voter and Rachel is a driver.  Maybe this explains why I'm a bit tired and have a headache?

I'm not sad about ending another year because I live my life as though it is a master checklist of things that I need to get done so I can die.  Actually, so I can die having some sense of being "finished".  Maybe it's the age of the kids and the fact that its all about college apps, ACT scores, and major decisions.  I doubt it.  I think I have always been this way.  My life has been about being the person who creates the "yaya" moments for everyone else.  My entire marriage was about making sure that my husband and my children had memories together.  I organized the trips, the events, the ideas and then spent the entire time behind the scenes making sure that all the tickets were bought, the right clothes were there, the cash available. I continue to be guilty as I sent my sons off to share a Hawkeye memory by going to the Insight Bowl together.  It never once dawned on me to go but I cannot tell you how giddy I was when I thought of providing the opportunity to them.  It's what I do.

On December 23rd, I pulled up to a stop sign and I looked both ways and my brain saw nothing so I pulled out.  The next thing I felt was a car actually slamming into me...literally, into ME.  I felt it come through the car door as I hit my head and shoulder.  I jumped out of the car to find a 21 year old UNI student with her 6 month old niece.  All I could think about what managing her experience.  I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be 21, a baby in my eyes with a baby in the car and to crash it.  I just kept talking to her and telling her how brave she was and that she was fine....I just kept repeating to her that she was fine and that the baby was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.  We called the police, we called her brother and her eyes never left mine as she forced herself to tell her brother about the accident.  I knew in my heart that it didn't matter what she said.  Her brother would not be able to hear it until he saw for himself that his daughter was fine.  That's the way it is with parents.  So we waited and I calmly talked to her about what a good job she was doing and that the baby was happy and chatting.  Her brother came and she finished with the police and she left.

I cried for three hours when I got home.  I cried because I hurt.  I cried because I couldn't cry in front of her.  She needed me.  I cried because I honestly didn't see her and how can that happen.  I cried because it could have ended so differently.  I cried because even after a car hits me, I cannot allow myself to focus on ME.

I am fine but I cried today when I got a card from this 21 year old who told me how grateful she is that it was me in the other car because I got her through it.

Here's to a 2012 where I stay present, engaged and thankful for the gifts God has given me.

Not enough time

I just spent some time looking at a blog that was written by a young mom I know. She is beautiful and sweet and I would have bet my life that her life was and is perfect. I am convicted enough to write after a year or so because her honesty and boldness has convicted me. You never know what it feels like to walk in anyone's shoes no matter what".

Love is pure

Something that has always fascinated me in this world is the feeling of "love".  I don't honestly think I have experienced this easily in my lifetime.  When you grow up abused, you develop walls and armor that protect you from pain.  It's simply a survival mechanism that God implants in you.  It just happens.  To truly love means that you risk devastation....you risk a broken heart.  You open yourself up to a vulnerability that is similar to nothing else.   Who in the hell in their right might would go there?????

Me.  

I have come to realize that it is quite possibly the truth that we are wired to love.  The bible is clear about this 

In 1 John 4:8 it says "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."  This does not speak well for those of us who are closed off to love.  TRUE love, PURE love.   The Bible helps us to know what " love" should look like too.  In 1 Corinthians it tells us that "Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 

I came to understand this first with my children.  I had cried over men before I had children but I would not call whatever I felt for them "love".  When I read Corinthians, my first thought is how I feel about Jake, Charlie and Rachel.  They taught me that this can exist.  That this feeling of "love" that is wonderfully protective and kind and giving.  

As I've gotten older, I've gotten better at "love".  I have gotten better at that unselfish kind of love that is giving and so very nurturing to someone else.  I enjoy opening my heart to someone else.  Its almost as if I can't NOT do it.  If I am to be with God, I am to be with Love and if I am to be with Love, my cup runneth over and I share it with others.  This was God's intention.  This was God's plan.  

And I am blessed.

SIGH

It is done. 

Every 5 years, the Department of Education puts together a team and comes to your district for 2-3 days.  They come to do interviews and look at thousands of pages of documentation.  A district my size should take 3 days.  Because of cuts at the state level, and fewer workers doing more site visits, things are getting leaner but it is still one of the most grueling few days to go through if you are in a position like mine.  Teachers, students and (in my district the principals) don't really experience much disruption.  However, for School Improvement Directors, Superintendents (most of the time) and sometimes principals (not mine)...its grueling.

This was MY show.  I took it on 6 months ago and started preparing.  My superintendent is worthless and I wanted to give my principals a gift and leave them out of this.  I handled everything from writing documents to reviewing documents to doing everyone's job in the process down to baking for the team so they felt welcome.  THIS WAS MY PARTY. 

When I came to the district a year ago, I started to dismantle a system that defines them.  I started to tear apart some things that are broken and need to be torn apart.  Its what I do.  I come into places that aren't working and I do the hard things that need to be done.  I have the hard conversations.   In this district, I have been yelled at and screamed at as though they teach you such behavior in teacher training.  It's been surreal but I'm tough and I've stayed the course.  As a matter of fact, my plan all along was to get them to scream and cry and feel completely hopeless.  That's how tied to the system they were.  They needed to be debriefed and broken much like gangsters in the military or children rescued from a cult.  That may sound harsh, but its been true.  They needed to believe they had been abandoned and the only person or persons that would save them were themselves.  Because I need this staff to start THINKING again. 

I knew I was making progress when several teachers told me that they knew things were not working.  I knew I made progress that even though most teachers in the elementary spent one entire day crying because I was "making" them assess their students reading levels.  I knew I was making progress when teachers stopped making excused and owned the fact that over 50% of their students were not reading at grade level.  I knew I was making progress when they did what I wanted them to do through the tears and anger. 

But today, during the exit interviewof the site visit....I knew I had made progress when the team said "in our teacher interviews and our parent interviews, it was clear that they believe that their school improvement director is very knowledgeable and taking this district in the direction it needs to go.   If they believe in me......I can impact the kids.  If they believe in me, I can make a difference in their abilities to do their jobs.  They don't have to like me....they don't have to think I'm funny....they don't have to be my friend.......but they have to believe in me.  I know what I'm doing.  I know how to fix what is broken. 

And for the first time in a year and a half.....I think we might be turning the corner.....

The Competition of Love

In Romans 12:10:  "Love one another with mutual affection, outdo one another in showing honor."


I live in a world of competition.  I am the mother of athletes and honor roll students.  I live in a world of high stakes test scores and how they determine important things that impact kids.  Let's face it, whatever your story, we all live in a world of competition.  What I love about this verse is that it takes that competitive spirit and it gives it a twist.  Imagine if we lived in a world where our "gaming" had to do with trying to outdo each other by showing honor or love?


I love that song by The Chiffons "My Boyfriends Back".  When I would hear it as a young girl, it always spoke to that "girly" part of me deep down that wanted a boyfriend who would protect me.  The lyrics are:  "My boyfriends back and you're gonna get in trouble".  YEA BABY!  Look out.


My boyfriend is back.  I was in a 10 month relationship that ended in August that was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life.  Jeff is 12 years younger than I am....incredibly attractive.  He is filled with fun and makes me laugh until I can't breathe anymore.  We ended our relationship because Jeff needs to spend some time on his own, settle into his own house (living on his own for the first time--his divorce is fresher than mine), he wants to work a lot right now in his life and I want to make sure that my mothering is my number one priority.  It was getting difficult for us to make time for each other and at this place in our lives, we felt we needed to put that priority into something else.  It wasn't that we stopped loving each other.  We simply are not talking about forever at this point.  In relationships, you tend to either move forward or cease.  We ceased in August.


I cried and I readjusted to being alone again.  I cried....But I'm in a different place now.  I'm in a place where I enjoy that my heart is full for him.  I love this man.  I love this man. I like who I am filled with love for this man.  He wraps his arms around me and I fit just under his huge biceps as they wrap around my shoulders.  I feel safe with him.  I feel protected.  I don't have a history of feeling that.  My father died when I was 17 and my ex-husband was a weak man emotionally and spiritually.  Jeff is a strong man...physically strong, but a very soft heart.  I feel safe.


With the break that we had, we will not return to the place we were before.  We are trying a new place.  We are moving to a place of love but accepting that we have other priorities and so that may mean we see each other on a weekend and sometimes not for two weeks (you should see my basketball schedule for 2 high schoolers of different sexes).  FOUR TEAM (JV, JV and V V).  But its okay.  


Our plan is to outdo each other in loving the other with our current set of circumstances and let the future take care of itself....


Part of my transition into being an independent woman in her 50's is that I'm not sure anymore that I want another marriage.  I want love but not so sure about marriage.  My brother's godmother whom I love is about 82 and Mike died when she was in her 40's.  She has a boyfriend whom she loves but they never married.  She said to me "I thought I would marry but I've decided that I'm meant to be the matriarch of this clan".  She has grown children, grown grandchildren and almost grown GREAT grandchildren...she has buried 2 of her 4 children.  


I will always be a mother first.  My kids will always be my number one focus.  I could make their father, my husband, my priority because we were their parents and were that family unit.  But I will never have another man take his place at my side as a priority over my children.  


I am meant to be the matriarch of this clan..............

Contentment

Ecclesiastes 3:12-13 I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to make good for as long as they live; also that everyone should eat, drink and take pleasure in all his toil--this is God's gift to man.

I'm in that place....that place in between questions, in between confusion ....I'm in that place in between healing from the past and fretting about the future....I'm in that place.  I'm in that place where I believe that all is okay.  I can't say that I'm HAPPY but I'm content.   I'm content in this place.

I believe this place is a place that God created for me.  I don't know how I get here and I never know how long it will last.  But I'm here now.  The stars have aligned and I have this place of rest.....this time of contentment. 

In this place I feel no judgment about myself.  I don't feel like I need to change or be different.  I have a sense of acceptance of myself...a sense that I'm here for a reason and that I'm unique.  This place happens when I'm somewhere between overwhelmed and tired and completely rested.  Either of those extremes takes me out of this place.  It is in the middle that I feel most real.  A bit too tired to care about petty things and petty problems but not so tired that I feel lost.

I am powerful in this place.  I am most real in this place.  I know who I am and I know what my gifts are.  It is as close to self-love as I ever experience.  It's calm.  I enjoy this place...but I don't control this place or my ability to get here.  I just don't.  It is a gift from God and I smile when I'm here. 

Someday maybe I'll truly realize that God always wants me to be in this place and that I leave it by choice.  I leave it much in the same way we hand things over to God and take them back.  Someday maybe I'll realize that opening the door to leave is within my power and a function of my choice and I will refuse to leave it because God is so present to me here.

For now........I just know that I'm here.....in this place.