First of all I have a confession to make....I'm writing this blog entry while I'm officially in my class at the University of Iowa. I have a picture of myself frozen that is supposed to be me attending class and I have the professor talking to me in my headset but I'm bored out of my mind. I am one of those people that feels entitled that I shouldn't have to do anything I don't want to do. I'm an elitist like that. During staff meetings, I tend to work on whatever I find to be more worthwhile than whomever is speaking. The fact that I just used the word "whomever" tells you that I'm a little bit of an elitist in the world of grammar. I write in my blog while I'm supposed to be in class...the list continues. It isn't that I feel "BETTER" than anyone else, I just feel that the number of minutes that I can participate in things that I don't care about are running out and so I cherish them and protect them. I mean what if they run out before I die? So I'm saving some today by not listening to my professor talk about culture shock and how we teach culture and language.
I'm glad that I got to feel gratitude yesterday because I am completely void of that feeling today. This is because of the pace at which I'm running. I spent the entire day in a meeting incredibly frustrated because people just don't get it as quickly as I do (please see above reference to being an elitist)...I'm not a leader...I'm not a manager...I'm a DO-ER and I get really bent out of shape when I have bring others along with me. I would suck at being a principal. I don't like working WITH people. I like telling people what to do and then supporting them through doing it. I get both the boss and the caregiver genes taken care of that way. If you are reading this blog and you have ever worked with me, can I get a Woot, woot!
How often are we just moving through life? Don't answer that because its a moot question. We all KNOW that we move blindly through our days and our lives and we have been guilted by that for decades. For some of us, we promise to do better but we never do. The interesting thing for me today is that I'm not really going to write about being too busy. I'm going to share with you that I have had an insight into this lifestyle that I think is worthy to share.
One of the reasons that I seem to keep cycling back around to wanting to find "love" in my life is because it is the ONE thing that slows me down. The only thing that is strong enough to pull me out of the chaos of life is love. My ultimate desire would be to experience that with God. Haven't been able to do that yet. He just jumps on my handlebars and rides along with me. But I do experience that ability to slow down when I'm in love.
I go back and forth thinking that I really want to bypass this "dating" crap and trying to find a new love and just find the joy in not having to take care of a man (don't even bother telling me you are married to the ONE man who isn't like that) You will NEVER convert me to believe that. I love men but I don't know if I really want to take care of another one...even the good ones are incredibly incompetent. So I really do get quite comfortable thinking that I'm totally free to do what I want and do what I want with my kids as they age and not have to compromise at all. Remember, I would have done that for John since he is the father of my kids and we had built a family unit that was supposed to be bigger than both of us as individuals. However, to do that again is simply draining.....
HOWEVER, I seem to come out of that place regularly and think that I want to be in love. I'm just realizing that one of the reasons is because it DOES slow me down and cause me to appreciate things and feel gratitude in a way that being alone doesn't. I think I need to sit with this and think about why I don't seem to be able to do this for myself on my own and why I need this "love focus" in order to accomplish it. Am I not worth the same type of "slowing down and smelling the flowers" moments on my own as I am when I'm in love? Hmmmm.... or is it that I just forgot how to do it after being married for so long?
What God has yoked together let no man pull apart.”—MATTHEW 19:6. (I wish Matthew had mentioned that no woman should pull it apart either) ;)
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