I am ending the year 2011 with a headache, feeling less than filled with health and tired. I have a slight suspicion that is most likely how I started the year but can't really remember. This was a big year in that my kids turned 21, 18 and 16!! WOW. Jake had his first drink, Charlie is a registered voter and Rachel is a driver. Maybe this explains why I'm a bit tired and have a headache?
I'm not sad about ending another year because I live my life as though it is a master checklist of things that I need to get done so I can die. Actually, so I can die having some sense of being "finished". Maybe it's the age of the kids and the fact that its all about college apps, ACT scores, and major decisions. I doubt it. I think I have always been this way. My life has been about being the person who creates the "yaya" moments for everyone else. My entire marriage was about making sure that my husband and my children had memories together. I organized the trips, the events, the ideas and then spent the entire time behind the scenes making sure that all the tickets were bought, the right clothes were there, the cash available. I continue to be guilty as I sent my sons off to share a Hawkeye memory by going to the Insight Bowl together. It never once dawned on me to go but I cannot tell you how giddy I was when I thought of providing the opportunity to them. It's what I do.
On December 23rd, I pulled up to a stop sign and I looked both ways and my brain saw nothing so I pulled out. The next thing I felt was a car actually slamming into me...literally, into ME. I felt it come through the car door as I hit my head and shoulder. I jumped out of the car to find a 21 year old UNI student with her 6 month old niece. All I could think about what managing her experience. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be 21, a baby in my eyes with a baby in the car and to crash it. I just kept talking to her and telling her how brave she was and that she was fine....I just kept repeating to her that she was fine and that the baby was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. We called the police, we called her brother and her eyes never left mine as she forced herself to tell her brother about the accident. I knew in my heart that it didn't matter what she said. Her brother would not be able to hear it until he saw for himself that his daughter was fine. That's the way it is with parents. So we waited and I calmly talked to her about what a good job she was doing and that the baby was happy and chatting. Her brother came and she finished with the police and she left.
I cried for three hours when I got home. I cried because I hurt. I cried because I couldn't cry in front of her. She needed me. I cried because I honestly didn't see her and how can that happen. I cried because it could have ended so differently. I cried because even after a car hits me, I cannot allow myself to focus on ME.
I am fine but I cried today when I got a card from this 21 year old who told me how grateful she is that it was me in the other car because I got her through it.
Here's to a 2012 where I stay present, engaged and thankful for the gifts God has given me.
I'm not sad about ending another year because I live my life as though it is a master checklist of things that I need to get done so I can die. Actually, so I can die having some sense of being "finished". Maybe it's the age of the kids and the fact that its all about college apps, ACT scores, and major decisions. I doubt it. I think I have always been this way. My life has been about being the person who creates the "yaya" moments for everyone else. My entire marriage was about making sure that my husband and my children had memories together. I organized the trips, the events, the ideas and then spent the entire time behind the scenes making sure that all the tickets were bought, the right clothes were there, the cash available. I continue to be guilty as I sent my sons off to share a Hawkeye memory by going to the Insight Bowl together. It never once dawned on me to go but I cannot tell you how giddy I was when I thought of providing the opportunity to them. It's what I do.
On December 23rd, I pulled up to a stop sign and I looked both ways and my brain saw nothing so I pulled out. The next thing I felt was a car actually slamming into me...literally, into ME. I felt it come through the car door as I hit my head and shoulder. I jumped out of the car to find a 21 year old UNI student with her 6 month old niece. All I could think about what managing her experience. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be 21, a baby in my eyes with a baby in the car and to crash it. I just kept talking to her and telling her how brave she was and that she was fine....I just kept repeating to her that she was fine and that the baby was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. We called the police, we called her brother and her eyes never left mine as she forced herself to tell her brother about the accident. I knew in my heart that it didn't matter what she said. Her brother would not be able to hear it until he saw for himself that his daughter was fine. That's the way it is with parents. So we waited and I calmly talked to her about what a good job she was doing and that the baby was happy and chatting. Her brother came and she finished with the police and she left.
I cried for three hours when I got home. I cried because I hurt. I cried because I couldn't cry in front of her. She needed me. I cried because I honestly didn't see her and how can that happen. I cried because it could have ended so differently. I cried because even after a car hits me, I cannot allow myself to focus on ME.
I am fine but I cried today when I got a card from this 21 year old who told me how grateful she is that it was me in the other car because I got her through it.
Here's to a 2012 where I stay present, engaged and thankful for the gifts God has given me.
